2013 was a big year for me in some ways, and a big lesson in others. For some ways, I got the house I really wanted, I got the car I really wanted, and I got the trips / toys I wanted. For other ways, I broke up with Jeannette.
Leading up to her moving in last May, things were getting really serious. Talk about getting married, finally living together, and spending the rest of our lives together was normal. We would joke around about it, and deep down I believe that it’s what we both really wanted. But then she moved in, and the dynamic began to change. She saw how selfish I was with my time and my money (which also lead to a lot of time spent talking about my thoughts and my worries about the money I no longer would have because I would spend it on things over and over again).
I don’t think that the reason why we broke up was because we lived together though… despite how ‘easy’ that answer way sound. As a matter of fact, this epiphany I am sharing just dawned upon me moments ago (which is why I am here writing this instead of playing Call of Duty: Ghosts). When I look back, she was very adamant about me not buying a new car, not only because of the money it would take for the down payment, but the money it would take for the monthly payment, as well as gas and upkeep. When I calculate that ($4,000 down + $600 a month), I could have very well afforded the engagement ring that Jeannette absolutely loved. In that way, I made a big mistake buying the car. It was just one of many selfish impulse buys, but it was a major one in some ways, and a big lesson in others.
I can’t really regret my decision, nor can I feel any sense of anger at myself or at Jeannette for not bringing it up, whether or not she had thought about it, she definitely felt it’s consequences. For that, I am deeply sorry and ashamed. If I were given two options: to get married to the girl of my dreams, or drive the car of my dreams, I would definitely take marriage. It’s sad that I wasn’t able to consider my options before acting on such a significant purchase.
On the brighter side of things, breaking up with Jeannette has given me so much personal space from the world that I was struggling to grasp in our relationship. I felt like we would see each other too much, and that led to her being a priority over my work, my friends, and my family. Of course that’s not an excuse, as I am the sole individual that made those choices to avoid everything else. It’s just that I loved her so God damn much that I could never say no to seeing her. Whether her skies were blue or grey, I felt that my presence always made her day shine more than it had been, and that feeling was priceless. I’m not sure if that’s what you would call love, but being able to offer an abundance of comfort beyond anything she’s ever felt, that made me proud to be in a relationship with her. I was helping her grow as a human being, and seeing her blossom was such a beautiful experience. The hardest part in our relationship was fighting my desire to make money and spend money, somewhat uncontrollably.
It sucks because that habit was something I developed when I was single for 3 years before dating Jeannette. When I was single, making more money than I could spend, and playing more video games than my Optometrist recommended, I felt fully relaxed, worry-free, and happy. And when Jeannette and I began dating, I felt like I was no longer making more money than I could spend, because everything I began spending my money on had to do with our relationship. So when I did buy toys, I would drown in their amusement and entertainment, and cut out the world, including Jeannette. Those would be the days that we’d argue the most. The day would always end with me buying something online. Something I didn’t need.
Part of me wishes I could go back and do things differently, the other part is grateful for my time to myself, and how free I am to spend it with others, whether they be friends or families. Plus I’m no longer covering trips and adventures for two haha. I am nearing the finish of my 6th weekly workout (it’s taken me 12 weeks to get this far). I’m finally seeing some cut definition in my arms, which is such a fantastic feeling. I was so depressed when I was with Jeannette that all I would want to do is lounge around and eat bad food. I would exercise maybe once every 3 weeks. But since we broke up, I’ve been consistently exercising, and seeing some results makes me grateful for what happened, because had we stayed together I do not even want to imagine what I would be looking like / feeling like right now.
I guess ultimately this letter is more of my ‘final thoughts’ for 2013. I just had to get it out of my head.